This document was smuggled to Boinng by a disgruntled newsagent, together with our weekly copy of "East-Anglian Swingers". It is reproduced in full, for the benefit of all Coke-fearing consumers.

Note: Molten Perspex can be dangerous. Always read the label, and keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, seek immediate medical attention.

(TIP: Print this page and have a keepsake of your special day to treasure forever!)

I just found this thing I wrote to Jayne in 1995, and decided it had historical interest. Here and now, in 2003, some of it still rings true. Some if it is wildly exagerated though- I mean, £3 for a packet of cigarettes? What was I thinking? I was a bit out on the Princess Di thing also..

MONDAY-
On Monday it is important to position the TV in the vicinity of a qualified hairdresser. This will ensure proper reception of all four channels, and maintain peace in Eastern Africa.

The electric net is full of a strange semaphor invented by smurfs who can't be bothered to type. We explode the myths.

By Ali Connor

I work during the day making paperclips. It is a very varied job and I get to make many sizes and, many people find this surprising, many different colours.