A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
 made to their passengers...
 
 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
 service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
 happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
 over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
 
 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
 from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
 you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
 
 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
 that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
 time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
  Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
 
 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
 security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
 the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
 time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
 wall.....'."
 
 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see,
  Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
 told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
 things like that".
 
 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
 professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
 a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
 
 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
 announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
 ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
 
 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then,
 stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
 
 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
 
 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
 that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
 your bags into the doors."
 
 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
 door."
 
 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
 second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
 understand?"
 
 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
 move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
 personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
 rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs
 away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your
 a**e sideways!"
 
 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
 allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
 joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
__________________________

Delete! Delete!