The electric net is full of a strange semaphor invented by smurfs who can't be bothered to type. We explode the myths.

I am smiling inside.

I am smiling and blinking, due to a nervous tick that has plagued me since my spell of incarceration on charges of self flaggelation.

My eyes are inflamed with rabid lust.

%) Someone has cut my head in two, please help me, I am in a great deal of pain.

=) My eyes have been removed by the mortician.

:* My tongue has been removed by a voodoo priestess.

:/ I am a politician.

:| I am a truthful politician.

:^) My nose is my most interesting facet. Please talk to me. I am so alone.

:> I am a bird of some description.

:@ I vomit upon you.

:} My moustache is upside down.

:] You aren't funny. If this was a party I would be backing away into the kitchen.