Note: Molten Perspex can be dangerous. Always read the label, and keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, seek immediate medical attention.

Perspex can be a fickle friend. Don't be decieved by its alluring ways and its apparent transparency- it may be plotting the deaths of thousands of your loved ones, whilst it sits so peacefully in your living room. Never reveal your secrets to it- and never leave it near your pets, as it has a voracious appetite and no appreciation of the lasting bond between animal and owner. Whilst handling Perspex, you may find it hums slightly- don't worry, this is perfectly normal, and not an indication that your home is soon to become the scene of devastating carnage. Humming is the Perspex's way of communicating- scientists have been working for years to understand the exact meaning of these high-pitched warbles, but have only recently pieced together these two sentences:

"Leia? Leia, is that you?"

"What do you mean, not until the sequel?"

The important thing to remember when working with Perspex, is that regular coffee breaks are a must. Without caffeine, Perspex often becomes tired and listless, and soon wearies of the day's tasks. Perspex is a volatile material, and it should always be kept in a controlled environment- if the temperature fluctuates too often, you may find that it will fly into a screaming frenzy, tearing at your finest upholstery and vomiting wildly upon your guests. If this occurs, there are two approaches that you may take. The first is risky, and entails climbing onto the roof of your house (or workplace) and calling upon the spirits of Almagated Chemicals, whilst holding a plastic spatula (or similar utensil) unto the heavens. This will act as a channel for Barry, the demon lord of Perspex, to materialise- and, after listening to your concerns, vanquish your misbehaving chemical compound forever. Barry does charge for this service however, and is rarely available at weekends. Your other course of action is to run some water over a towel, and throw it over the Perspex. This should calm it to a point where you may approach, carefully, and beat it repeatedly with a blunt object- thus rendering it harmless.

Perspex is, above all, a mouldable material useful for a variety of manafacturing purposes. Naturally, this means that one day you will have to part with your new companion as it matures and reaches the start of its working life. Often this can be quite a wrench for the owner- but you must never stand in the way of this progression. Perspex is never truly fulfilled until it feels its life has been made useful in some way- perhaps as a paperweight, or another office accesory- and it may murder, maim, or encase anyone who attempts to defeat it in this aim. However deeply and emotionally involved you may become with your plastic, do not deny its destiny- for it might destroy you, and several of your closest friends. Instead, you must encourage it- show it pictures of great Perspex structures, as inspiration, and sing to it. You will probably find it responds better to the traditional Chemical hymns, such as "O come, all ye maleable oil industry by-products", and the old favourite "Away in a high-intensity furnace."

As a final word, a note on other Acrylic materials. These cheaper plastics do not carry the Perspex kite-mark, and this is with good reason. No other plastics conform to the British Perspex standards of density, rigidity, ease of use and sexual orientation- and this is plain to see when Perspex and a non-Perspex material are compared directly in laboratory conditions. Perspex instantly leaps upon the the brand-x plastic and beats it into submission, drawing gasps and cheers from the surrounding scientists as the virile Perspex sends the lesser compound limping from the test-bench and melting helplessly into a bubbling, blackened puddle on the floor, insulting the nostrils of the finely-tuned British Perspex scientists with its acrid, pummulent stench. "Hurrah for Perspex!", they cheer, "Hurrah and Hurrah!" As well the plucky boffins might, I say.