This document was smuggled to Boinng by a disgruntled newsagent, together with our weekly copy of "East-Anglian Swingers". It is reproduced in full, for the benefit of all Coke-fearing consumers.

TECHNICAL DOCUMENT 03/78B:2000
NOTE: FOR USE BY AUTHORISED COCA-COLA TECHNICIANS ONLY

This document details the enhanced benefits of the "Cherry" Cola variants, over the standard product line. Please refer to the Coca-Cola founding statement (item 2 in your personnel manual) for safety and proper use guidelines relating to the full product family.

1. DISTRIBUTION OF CHERRY COKE

Cherry Coke is distributed in similar packaging to the original product line, to give the illusion of familiarity to the consumer. Company operatives should be aware, however, that Cherry brand packaging in fact contains an extra layer of transparent uranium to protect distributors and retailers from prolonged exposure to the contents. The correct bottles and cans should always be used, as the higher doses of "the real thing" found in Cherry brand require greater care and containment than the standard variety. Remember, "if it doesn't melt the molar, it sure ain't Cherry Cola" (Registered trade mark).

The enhanced powers of Cherry Coke bring their own rights and responsibilities to the Coca-Cola operative. Cherry Coke, in its purest form, is a powerful means of both defence and offence, and should be treated as such. Always guard your stock carefully, and be prepared to defend it at all times. Prudence dictates that customers should be treated with suspicion. Although identification is rarely required under national or state law, you have a duty to ensure that classified Coca-Cola information or product does not fall into the hands of terrorists, known agents of Pepsi inc., or the infirm.

2. CORRECT INSTALLATION OF CHERRY COKE (AND PAYLOAD)

Once a subject has been identified as a potential target, Cherry Coke may be deployed to the "Consumer".

Installation mirrors the same successful format of the original variety. Users may be encouraged to tilt their heads at a slightly increased angle, to avoid tonsil damage.

The effects should be immediately apparent in the uncontrolled and involuntary expulsion of gas, or "burping", as the substance enters their system. At this point your involvement is essentially over, as it will now be down to our trained Coca-Cola psychologists to activate the newly installed implant by radio control.

3. OPERATION OF THE CHERRY VARIANT "REAL THING"

The implant contained in Cherry Coke is an all-new design, which gives unprecedented control over the consumer. New features include an updated instruction set to combat Fanta rejection, an anti-Tango humor device, and greatly increased Pepsi resistance.

Coca-Cola psychologists, working from our European headquarters, are currently using the advanced mind-meld functionality of the Cherry Coke "Real Thing" to bring non-American users into line with their domestic counterparts. A series of educational hallucinations covering subjects such as "The importance of Dawson's Creek" and "The talent of Britney Spears" are being broadcast twice daily, with a marked improvement in non-American consumer compliance already becoming clear.

4. SIDE EFFECTS

In testing on cute little fluffy bunny rabbits, the Cherry Coke "Real Thing" provoked major explosions in only 63% of test subjects, a clear reduction in explosive fatalities over both the Classic and New Formula Cola variants. As with any volatile carbonated delivery device, however, operatives are advised to remain at a safe distance during the installation process.

Operatives are reminded that in the event of failure (due to consumer explosion or other unforeseen event) Coca-Cola inc. will disavow all knowledge of their actions.