By Ali Connor

I work during the day making paperclips. It is a very varied job and I get to make many sizes and, many people find this surprising, many different colours.

Did you know that there are twenty seven different shades of red paperclip and seventeen blue? We make twelve of the red ones and nine of the blue. There are also many different shades of other colours too (please see www.coloured-paperclips.com).

Other jobs of mine have included carving tread on car tyres (you can do this too as the main tool is a swiss army knife - be sure it is sharp though), sticking the sand onto sand paper (a particularly painstaking job - it takes fifty hours to make your standars coarse piece) and drum turner in my local laundrette (you stand behind the machine and when fifty pence is put in, you turn the drum for and hour, someone else boils and pours in the water.

The reason that I am writing today is to tell you, not about my varied career but the fact that I am one of the worlds first kebab doners. First I donated my appendix then one of my kidneys. My local kebab shop gave me £5.00 plus a free kebab for each. I am currently in hospital recovering from an operation to donate my left buttock, which doctors have assured me will grow back.

How barbaric and disgusting, I hear you cry. Well, it isn't. A Doner is a breed of sheep that lives in the Greek/Turkish region. It is about seven foot tall and the meat you find at the kebab shop is in fact part of its leg. Now you may not have seen a Doner sheep before and think, well, if it is seven foot tall and wandering about in a popular holiday region that you should at least have heard of it. The reason that you may not have is that it is a very rare and shy creature and its numbers are dwindling due to the growing popularity of kebabs.

It is called a Doner because, ideally, it 'donates' its leg and after about six weeks has grown another. Unfortunately demand is such that all four legs need to be used, which prevents the Doner from being able to walk and search for food. Ultimately, it starves to death.

The taste is very similar to human organs, hence the human donations. These have proved very popular and the Worldwide Kebab Organization is pushing Governments worldwide for Doner Kebab Cards. If you are unfortunate enough to lose a loved one, and his/her organs can't be used to save a life (or you are a Jehovah witness) your loved one can at least be used to feed a hungry pissed bloke.

Please encourage your local MP to support this worthy cause.